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Streams, Rivers and Tears

I know I haven’t posted in a while, and get ready for a stream.  So much is flowing through me right now, I’m not sure where I’ll go with this post.  November 5.  10 days since Grace, my beloved dog was attacked.  We think it was a bear.  We’re so very grateful she got away, ran home to safety.  Knowing she was, in her mind, defending me (because that is her nature, though I never really saw it, she knew it was there.)  10 days of caring for her, delving into things in the physical that I literally gag at, and overcoming to be the rock she needs right now.  A whole new course in life as it were.  No opening the door and letting her out (into the fenced area, 1/2 an acre or so.)   No walking out the front door with her with no leash.

Seems the cleaning of wounds leads to examining things hidden deep within.  And in the physical, cleaning up too.  Sorting through papers left in piles, filing, storing and throwing away trash.  Separating things long unused to donate from things that should be used.  Delving deep into closets, drawers and all the similar spaces of the heart.  Prone to tears, and gut level laughter.  Listening to music, instead of the TV on.  Eating broccoli and spinach and miso soup.  Some kind of deep healing going on, mine, hers, ours.

I have not ventured into the studio, been writing, in one or two or three of the many journals I’ve discovered I’ve been keeping over the years. Start one, stop. Start another. Stop.  Kind of like I do with this blog.  Start. Stop. Start……hmm. Share, hide, share, hide.  Patterns that weave through my life.

Looking into everything around and within.  Sort of as if seeing it for the first time.  What happened to those years?  What did I do with that? 

I rather feel as though I was sleepwalking for a while. Like I woke up recently and found everything in disarray..but just as I left it.  Crazy talk?  Maybe.  I’m still digging out, though I actually thought, earlier this year, that I was done. Not.  Everywhere I look, inside and out there is another space to explore and clean.  It’s not my favorite thing in life, and clearly, have avoided it in the past.  Even now, I open a door (physical or not) and say, “um, maybe tomorrow”.  Sometimes I seem to face a wall of inertia, on multiple levels. Sometimes I want to turn and walk away, but I know that is not within me.    
 Grace is sleeping beside me.  It’s snowing like it means it, outside.  The wind blowing makes the trees appear to dance.  It is nearly a black and white moving photo outside.

I know the sun will shine tomorrow.  I will continue on this path, learning and listening more. Slowing down and getting back to what I’m made for.  What is that?  While I know it deep within, I’m learning better how to express it.  Not like I have before. Live, love, give.  I’ve not been very good with the love part.  Who can teach it better than a dog?

Angel Fire ArtSpace,
3469 Mountain View Blvd, Suites B2-4 Angel Fire NM
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UNESCO Santa Fe International Conference on Creative Tourism

Well, I said I’d try to post…so here it is. It’s been so very busy and for me, just a tad chaotic, but here is the overview so far. (One more day to go)

First, Grace. Yes, my beloved dog. Poor thing. I stayed with her all day the day of arrival, walking with her, comforting her. I mentioned that last time. Monday I went and came back on a break, and calmed her, played with her. Monday afternoon I had an “away” workshop (more on that) and was gone all afternoon. When I returned, an employee of the property said, ” that dog barked nonstop. The dog catcher came and was gonna fine us.” Shocked, I said, “I’m so sorry, I’ll take care of it”. But How? What was the deal? Next morning I forewent the morning sessions, packed her up, and drove her home. Frantic I called my neighbor who immediately stepped up to take care of her. Tears streamed down my face all the way. I so wanted to have her with me, to have her happy. So many noises, dogs, cars, people, sirens.

I came back and came to the condo first, to freshen up (four hour round trip). While here I heard the banging, the machinery, the sounds of construction. No wonder she was upset! Not Fair! I thought…but too late now, and back to the conference it was. Sigh.

So, the conference. Much to my delight it “smaller” than I imagined. Maybe they planned it bigger, but this works for many of us who wound up here. People from 21 countries, all wanting to “join the conversation” so to speak. It is been a valuable interaction, particularly when then leave us to our own interactions, some orchestrated, some not. The keynote speakers have been great…and genius to put them first thing in the morning, when we’re fresh and awake, and not at 4:00 when our brains are receiving no more than our derrieres can endure!

My favorites so far? Charles Landry. I’d love to have copies of his slides. Great presentation!

Best workshop, well, tough to say. I had an absolute blast learning Encaustic. Yes, it’s an art medium, not a philosophy. It was so much fun! Melted wax mixed with pigment, painted on board. Exhilarating, and more on that later. The Eric Maisel Creativity Workshop was equally as fabulous, yet totally different. And the studio tour in Eldorado was as enlightening as it was fun. There is actually alot more to say about all of that, but I’m tired and hungry and I think I’ll go find some dinner.

Angel Fire ArtSpace,
3469 Mountain View Blvd, Suites B2-4 Angel Fire NM